You know
how it hurts when people leave?
Or how
bad it hurts?
Why does
it hurt anyway?
Cause
you like to keep going back and forth in time.
Relive
everything, smile at how things used to be, followed by the hollow feeling
because all of it is irreplaceable, and then the searing pain that comes along
with hopelessness threatening to tear you apart, the feeling that you’re lost,
that you’re holding onto nothing, and then that pseudo tranquillity that makes
you believe all that you are has signed a truce with all that there used to be,
which then leads you on to that little spark of light in the form of hope. It’s
a cycle.
And you’d
rather stay this way. Smile and get hurt. Smile and get hurt.
You’re
afraid if you break free, you will lose yourself. You can foresee the panic
before it has begun to take shape. So you make sure your anchor is buried in
the past. Safe.
You’re
moving forward.
But the
rope is not enough for you to reach out to new terrain.
Do you
know what you’re scared of?
It’s the
new terrain.
The
undulating land.
The
unmarked roads.
No
milestones.
And if
you still think the way you do, well, it’s a safe bet to be anchored.
Just
assume that everyone is going to leave. You know, like you assume stuff in math
to get to a final result? Yeah, like that.
So,
everyone leaves. Where does that leave you?
Alone.
And you
know the “you’re born alone and you die alone” shit that people talk about?
It’s a clichéd
truth.
Wow,
nobody wants to be alone in between.
Especially
if you’ve spent a lot of time with people that make you feel alive.
You
might have that misplaced sense of confidence that you can be happy alone but you
are scared to be alone.
Have you
ever run scared? You only try to stifle it. Cover it up with a tough exterior,
with humour, with an I’m-a-strong-person outlook or even with a who-cares
attitude, which might not even be pretence. It’s engrained into your existence.
Run.
Run
before that fear drags you down, again, into an endless pit of denial.
The part
of you that denies yourself the new terrain.
The only
person who can ever meet your expectations is you.
You don’t
have to make compromises with yourself.
Your
problem is that you make compromises with yourself because you want to be with
others.
Do you
know who is never going to leave you?
It’s
you.
But only
if you allow yourself to meet yourself.
I have
tried to save a friendship. Tried so hard, over a year. It ended anyway. I used
to be scared of losing people. But the day I lost the person who meant the
world to me, was the day I’d decided to let go. I would be doing better in
life, if I hadn’t tried and wasted a year. I don’t regret that I tried. It
taught me that if I hold on to the rope and the other person cuts it, I’m the
one who falls. And if there’s a cut, there’s no sealing it back. At least, it
will never be the way it used to be. And that inevitable truth makes me think,
hell, I would never want to seal it back.
So what
are you holding on to?
Nothing.
The answer
is always nothing.
So I’d
rather hold on to myself.
And save
myself from the heartbreak of getting hurt time and again over the ghosts of sweet
memories.
There’s
no striking a truce with what used to be. There’s only moving forward.
No, I’m
not saying that you should pretend that those people never existed. It’s
because they existed and were a part of your life that you are the way you are.
And it’s because they left that you are what you are right now.
But
choose.
Never to
be haunted again.
Carve
your path.
Mark the
roads.
Set
milestones.
Take the risk of hugging yourself.
It’s
your only safe bet.
